Before we meet I thought it best to give you a crystal clear idea of my expectations. Now, I am done blindly walking into others like you (2010, 2009, 2008…etc) hence from now on we are going to play by my rules. I may come off as
excessively a little demanding, but trust me, that is only because I have a gut feeling about you.
I have let your predecessor disappoint me a little, and although we had a fantastic time overall, there were a few hiccups I would gladly do without. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the fantastic new job, my healthy family or the chance to go back home this year. I am forever thankful for the blessings in disguise and eternally pissed off about the lows. You would agree that when it got bad it got worse wouldn’t you? Hence, I make it your primary responsibility to make sure that during your 12 months reign none of that shit happens again. Don’t look at me like that; you know perfectly well what I am talking about.
My humble demands are perfectly reasonable and I think it is only fair to approach you with a counter request since you know what you can expect from me while you are around. All my strength, weaknesses and ambitions are in the palm of your hand to do with as you see fit. I must admit New Year’s resolutions are as achievable as participating in a triathlon for me, but you have always known that. However for you I am going to make an exception because I trust you to make all the right decisions about the course of events. I am going to make you a deal. *Drumroll* for the first time ever I promise to stick to the resolutions I am about to make, I will bend over backwards to make it work. It will not be a piece of cake but I will do my utmost to uphold my end of the deal. I expect you to do the same shady 2011. Here goes nothing:
1. I resolve to be calmer and more adequate. I will count to ten and bite my tongue, then count to ten again- before replying to anything that makes my blood boil. (However if after counting to ten twice I still haven’t to tell them shove it, they full on deserve it, wouldn’t you agree?)
2. I will make amends with my non-friends and relatives that I
fantasize about killing don’t particularly like, I will forgive their faults and accept them as they are with all their issues, flaws and limitations.
3. I resolve to make use of my gym membership, and not only because I like the fact that the treadmill has a funky little TV, I will do it because I care about my health.
4. I resolve to get over my fear of dentists and sort out the 4 wisdom teeth that have been KILLING ME in slow, deliberate, painful agony for the last 2 years (ahem…)
5. I will come around the finishing off the many projects that lie gathering dust in the bottom drawer, the wedding album, the scrap book, the ever growing family tree. I will shoo away procrastination for good (I am not saying that I will never speak to it again, but when it does approach me I will say “shoooo” then we will see how it goes…)
Listed above are issues that I have been avoiding like the plague the last few years, hence please appreciate what an enormous offering I am making here. In return, I don’t ask for the world. There won’t even be anything materialistic on my list (that’s my other list, I can’t publish that on the blog!) I simply want the following from you:
1. This is an important one. Stop taking people out of my life. You know perfectly well how irrationally sensitive I am to death. Wounds like that take decades to heal and your fellow 2010 has done enough damage to me to cause fatal complications. I know this is a little out of your league, but I know you have good connections- just pass the message on.
2. Send a few muses down to make the people in my life a little more appreciative and helpful. Inspire them to be more considerate and gentle. I have been feeling pretty damn unacknowledged this year, and I am seriously considering crossing a few sour individuals out of the party list. But now I can’t do that because of my Resolution # 2… so work something out, will ya?
3. Slow down the rollercoaster. You know I get queasy and shaky during the ride; adrenalin has never been a key ingredient in my dish. Give me a chance to stop and smell the roses. With 2010 it was roses, daffodils, tulips, buttercups, carnations; …really I am ok with just the roses. Give me some time to catch my breath.
4. Bring on hell or high water. Challenge me. Shower me with opportunities. Threaten me with difficulties and sit back and watch me cope. Send masked opportunities my way and trust me to recognize and conquer. Don’t hold anything back, I am a big tough girl- I can take it.
I won’t be greedy. That will be all for now. See, I told you I will ask for absolutely rational terms. Now 2011, put on your big boy pants and make it happen… don’t make me tell 2012 on you.